I bitch on here far too much

I'm sitting at a highschool party that Shane has brought me to and I all I can think about Is.... Old stuff, like SH. Sitting alone, I wasn't going to come, I shouldn't have come. I guess I had some stupid fantasy that people would possibly acknowledge me, see that I have changed, fuck even a smile instead of a glare would be nice.
Everyone is catching up and hanging out in their old groups, I've said hi to a few people, which was met with a 'hi', no eye contact and quickly walking off or no response at all. Hence giving up and sitting alone, exactly like highschool. Some things never change.
I feel small, insignificant, inhuman.... Everything I felt in highschool all over again. I don't even feel like me, who I am today, I feel like the highschool emo, with loads of problems who sees the counselor every day, writes suicide notes, has scars up her up and carries a blade on her all the time.

I haven't wanted to in a long time, but bring around these people and feeling this excluded makes me want to.

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(no subject)

Okay so I'm out in the middle of no where, with Shanes mates to bale hay, which I didn't really want to do, because I have epic cramps. The only reason I came was because it was possibly the only time I'd get to see him this weekend. Bad idea. I feel like shit here, but I'd rather feel like shit at home watching movies with mum.
Am I just being unreasonable? I mean I asked Shane if we could have Saturday night together, because its been ages since we had a night just to ourselves.
Friday night he went to a house party, which I had every intention of going to but felt too crampy to go, so he went alone. That's fine, I thought we had tonight, but apparently not. Who knows how long I'm going to be stuck out here for. Bad bad bad idea. Next time, sick it up and don't go with Shane, obviously, bailing hay is far more important.

I feel like im over reacting. I am. Usually I just crack the shits for a while but get over it, right now I feel the need to have a mental purge (hence lj) or I'll cut or start crying. I haven't felt like thus in a long time, and over something so small?
Get over it madi

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