Uni stuff

I am hating my degree, I don't even want to be a psychologist. I have no motivation to do the work, I'm not interested at all.
But I'm not sure if its the content or the delivery that's making me so resentful. But I've been thinking for a while now that I don't want to be a psych.

What do I want to do?
At the moment I'm really attracted to law- probably an Arts/Law undergrad, or a Juris Doctor masters... Both would give me the same qualification and take the same amount of time... But the undergrad would be significantly cheaper from what I can tell.
And the JD Law, I'd have to do another semester of psychology which is so so so unappealing.

Just do it!

(Will) We slept together but we didn't have sex. I don't even know what to make of it, except that he is the first person I feel like I kind of trust (?) with my body. He wanted to have sex (so did I) but he accepted what I said and we just cuddled all night, half naked. It was so relieving to be respected... and now I really, really want to have sex with him. Every time I got up to leave (for the three precious hours of actual sleep I got) he would wake up, pull me back into bed and hug me until he fell asleep gain. The problem for me is that we live 2 doors apart... If its bad, there's no avoiding him after... if he's one of those guys who has a different girl every week, I'd be pissed... if it's good, well I'm cool with that one.

(Marcus) I went on a few dates with him... 1. fucking sexy, 2. health and fitness junkie, 3. full time engineer, 4. brought me cute things and was wanting me to meet his friends, family ect..... but when it came to the whole sex thing, I couldn't didn't want to. I didn't feel that I could trust him with my body... because we was so fit I felt inferior to him like my body wouldn't be good enough for him, not up to his standards. He put tons of pressure on me too, which only made things worse.

Damn I have issues with sex. That's my only conclusion.

This doesn't feel as good as I thought it would

I said I wanted change...

Change #1- single.

We've split up, on good terms, but I do feel slightly apprehensive about being alone, not having that safety net that I'm used to...

Change #2
I've been offered a place in a house with 2 post grad girls in Chadstone.
I've also been offered a place at monash residential, Richardson hall... I'm going to decline this because of a guy who is in Richardson who I do not want to be neighbors with (I'm sure ill come accross a lot of them) but he will be particularly difficult, I don't have the energy to start writing why.
But I will also tell them that if anything else comes up to call me.

More changes to come kids!

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Pa's funeral is tomorrow.

I still don't know if I'm going or not. I'm not religious in any way really and as far as I'm concerned you go to funerals for the living out to respect or for yourself.
I had seen pa twice in the past eight years....
Even though he was my granddad I don't feel that I have the right to be there.
I don't want to see Tea.... and when I left my dads funeral I honestly thought it would be the last time I'd see all of them.
I'm sick of funerals and this whole eternal life thing...

Tonight's the 3rd night in a row ill be wiping away tears... I miss my Nan. So much

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(no subject)

Amputate my arm at the shoulder please?
I feel like I need to have it in a sling, my shoulder is screwed, I'm dressing and undressing myself with one hand, I can't move my left arm without immense pain in my shoulder.
I've seen an osteo about it and he said to stop doing overhead presses/non functional weights using my shoulder, that was about 6 months ago and i cut down, didn't completely stop and it seemed to get better. In the past 2 weeks I've done no arm weights and I'm in fucking agony!
Changing the radio station=pain
Lifting my hand bag=pain
Dressing/undressing myself=pain
Trying to put tooth paste on my tooth brush =pain

I'm 90% sure I've failed my statistics assessment, we got verbal feed back from our tutors (as a group) and pretty much everything he said I though 'fuck, forgot that. And that, damn it didn't even know we had to include that'.
I lost so much sleep completing that one, and now I'm going to fail, and have to redo it :( I just want the results to come out already, before I drive myself nuts! I've never been this nervous for results before, not even exam results. Nor have I been this confident that I've failed.

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(no subject)

Fuck fuck fuck. I'm sure I'm over reacting but fuck I'm scared.
I've been bathing my sisters youngest, Bella, for the past week, and today she started crying and her face went all red, her eyes went blood shot when I flipped her over for tummy time in the bath. I don't know if her face got submerged (I'm usually really careful), if her eyes got splashed, water got in her mouth?? The one I'm most concerned about is if she inhaled the water, that can kill hours later! Fuck! I don't know!
Her face was wet, but that could have been splashes, maybe I slipped and she was in the water further than I realized? How long was her face submerged? How much?
The more I hear the baby cry tonight the better I'll feel (she's a restless sleeper), at least I'll know she's alive.

I told my sister, brought Bella out straight way, because I DON'T know what happened, which scares me the most. My sister was not concerned, 'she gets splashed all the time when she's in the bath with her brother, she'll be fine'
I hope so, I really do.

I want to go check on her every 5 minutes, but I can't because everyone's asleep and someone might hear me...

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(no subject)

Had the hardest customer ever in Bloch, and she was a lovely girl. 12 years old, trying on leotards for the australian ballet auditions and all she could think about was how fat she was. She was tiny!
I wanted to cry. I almost has to pass her onto one of the other girls :/
I don't miss my eating disorder at all. I don't miss depression either. She kept saying 'I'm not worth anyone's time, I'm useless' :(

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